I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
