Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
