I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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