Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
