I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
