Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
