He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
