The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Randomize
