come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
