Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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