I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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