Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
