I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
