Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
