Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
