Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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