The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
