I think I won the penis lottery.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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