I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Let the clothes fall where they may.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
