why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize