tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just want nice things and good sex
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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