That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
