you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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