Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
