I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
