I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
