wrigley field is MILF paradise
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize