i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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