I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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