I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My penis needs a shock collar
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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