At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
