I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
