So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
