It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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