I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
