I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
