He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
