She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
