Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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