I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize