Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
