i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
