I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
