i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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