Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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