What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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