you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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