I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
