I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
