You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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