Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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