drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You are the jesus of drinking
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
