So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
