I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
