i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
