I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
