Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
