So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
