my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
