just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
