Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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