Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
